#yes to God (2)

Before I even knew the topics, I was wondering what I was going to write about this week. I was praying about it, and figured well maybe God would take something out of my past as I was coming up empty.
If you've read my previous posts, you'll know my kids were taking on their first year of public school. Ever. This was something I struggled with, but gave my worries over to God last week, (there were a ton), but as I was shopping and getting ready this week, I realized my heart was grieving over this loss. I've cried. A whole lot. Massive headaches, frown face, distracted thoughts. Not even close to the smiling, encouraging mother I wanted to be for my little brave hearts.
Tuesday, the night before school started, I was laying in bed. Mulling over. Again. My husband asks me to punch the knot out of his sore back. He had been on the ground all day at work. "I'll gladly punch you in the face if you'd like." Beautiful. Clearly, I'm at my best. Really, God, really? Doesn't he care at all how I am feeling? Doesn't he get I am losing my life as I have known it? Doesn't he, who had this great plan, care to be involved in this at all? Doesn't he know who I am, that I have thrown every part of my heart into these children and worked hard to give them my very best? I am the one that needs something right now, not him. I need comfort, and a massage and I am in no mood to share myself with anyone at the moment!

    ^"If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away."                                        Matthew 5:40-41

That's your response God? You mean you not only want me to rub his back to get the knot out, you want me to do it lovingly?

I did. And I laid back down trying to fight back tears. Not because I was frustrated at that moment with having to rub a knot out of his back. Just overwhelmed.

Can I say something, he asked me. Sure, was my quiet response because at the moment anything else would have resulted in inconsolable sobbing. And when he spoke, his words were like balm and I understood God was loving me through my husband.

I know I haven't always shown it to you, and I've been terribly stubborn and selfish at times. But I am so proud of you. I am proud you are my wife and how hard you work for our family. I am proud of what you have done with our children and I don't tell you enough. I have been disrespectful and I am trying to change that. I love you.

I'm not sure that I can say that my husband knew that I needed to hear that. Desperately. But I do know that God did. And I did witness with my own two eyes what happens exactly when I fight myself, even in the small things, to do what He asks. Oh!, what a blessing I would have missed had I not responded. It would have been so easy not too. My husband wouldn't have been aware of my disobedience and I wouldn't have been aware of what I missed. I am glad I didn't, though, because I don't remember positive words too often, but I am certain I won't forget these, laced in love.



"Glory in his holy name;
    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
 Look to the Lord and his strength;
    seek his face always.

 Remember the wonders he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced...." 1 Chronicles 16:10-12

 

 

 

#saywhat???

As soon as I read the Say What? question, a specific time that God had asked me to do something popped into my head. HA! I knew immediately if the opportunity presented itself this week, this comical story was what I would share, however, something happened on Monday morning and I thought I would share that too.

I was getting ready to snuggle with my hubby one evening in bed. No scratch that. We were already snuggling. And truth be told, we were making out...... It was then God said to me you need to pray for your sister. And while I don't hear an audible booming voice from the Lord per se, this message was loud and clear. #SAY WHAT?!?!?!? Really Lord, how am I going to explain this? Again,  you need to pray for your sister. NOW. Ok, God, I don't suppose I really have a choice in the matter.......  Hmmmm..... AWKWARD! Honey, I'm sorry but I need to pray. Right now. For ten minutes, I prayed for my sister. Until God said I was done. And then texted her. Not really sure what's going on with you lady, but God just stopped me from a make out session with my husband to pray for you. Let me know. And she did. You see my sister was in a bad, bad, relationship at the time and my prayers were necessary at that exact moment for her. For her protection. For her peace. For her choices. I am grateful at the time that I didn't say you know Jesus, I will just pray for her later.  I didn't know then what was happening, but God did. And while I think it might be one of the most awkward moments in my walk with the Lord, one that I laugh about in timing, it has been a blessing to be a part of something like that.


Skip forward to two days ago....... I read the encouragement for today devotional Monday, and the writer had mentioned how she was afraid to attend public school after being homeschooled. You see, this next year, I will be attending school again and I have homeschooled my children for the past four years. It's something I greatly enjoy and letting go of it to put them in a public school has been a huge struggle for me the past few months. A little background regarding this decision, my husband has been on board with homeschooling half the time and not the other half. This has caused arguments, frustration and caused what I believe my children to not want to do their homework sometimes because their dad doesn't support the idea. To say the least, it's been a struggle, which is uh-noying, because it has also been one of my greatest joys.
Back to the devotional......which caused me a long discussion with the Lord. And when I say discussion, I mean a total desire to defend myself to my God. A lot of heart yelling. When I finally said, just leave me alone God. Seriously, I just need a break, I'm not talking to you right now. So, this busy brain was immediately racked with things to think on since I wasn't talking to the Lord (which I do often since I stay at home and spend time with three children), and was ready to belt out a song (which I also do regularly to maintain sanity!), and quickly realized that all I maintain in my song singing repertoire, is worship music. I'm not singing to you God. Not at all. As I struggled to divert my thoughts, and came up pitifully empty, I just cried, What do you want with me? I saw myself hunched over sobbing and Jesus with arms wide open. Yet the tips of His fingers were like feathers. (Not real feathers, just soft.) Please don't touch me, I cried. And as He moved to come forward again, I just relented. And He touched me. Tenderly. Flooding my mind with many of His promises that I wasn't even aware I knew, Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, YOU ARE MINE. I have loved you, with an everlasting love. You are the apple of my eye. And in that moment I knew.

I have become the woman who always needs to defend herself. I grew up in a home where my father was my protector. And I knew that, through him, through others, nobody messed with my dad. There wasn't a question ever in my mind who would fight for me. I knew. And I still know. But I married a man, so unlike my dad, who has chosen so many things over me, and my children. And I have taught myself to fight for me. To defend me and my children. So much so, that I am regularly on the defense. I know, not very pretty. But very real. And I had mistaken for so many years that my real defender, the great I AM, who would give men in exchange for my life, has been willing to defend me for so long if only I would step out of the way. #SAY WHAT?

Back to the homeschooling topic......Would you be willing to give me this? Oh boy. This was an area I felt the need to defend for so long. Even though I knew God was okay with it, (I had prayed long and hard about it), so many other people weren't. Including my husband (halfway), his family, and judgements from random people. I was ready to fight my decision at every turn and apparently, even willing to fight with God. But I relented, and I can't even express how that moment made me different. Different in that I don't want to be the woman always fighting, but I want to be the woman always willing to stand knowing that the battle is His. And I can't even express what a relief it was to sign up my kids for school today and not be remotely anxious about it knowing God has gone before me. God showing me His character also showed me I needed to right a wrong with a discussion I had with my brother. Do you feel like you won? was his question. I didn't feel that way at all, but after learning what I had about my backwards way of thinking, I owed him a much needed apology.

Years, of tempering myself, to a wrong idea. Irritating thought, but I am grateful. Grateful to be humbled. Grateful to have a lifted burden. And grateful for a different perspective on things.

#yestoGod

This would be my first blog, spurred by this Bible study and quite frankly, I'm excited about it! Yesterday, when I was posting a comment, I had a desire to share one of my "glimpses of eternity," yet I felt the Lord telling me to wait. There would be a proper time. Ha! So today, there was an invite to share your glimpse of eternity, and well here I am!

About a year ago, a missionary came to speak at my church. He stated that he would be here from his missionary position for a year. This missionary is of the same nationality as my father, and also does his work in the country my father was born in. So while he was speaking, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit that this man needed to pray for my father. I figured ok, I will see him around, he's here for a year. Over the next few months, I had seen this missionary in service and again the same nudging, just no opportunity. Finally, one Sunday service, I had noticed he was sitting maybe two rows up to my left. The sermon was on procrastination, and I found myself wishing my sister hadn't missed the service that morning. Ha, she's a terrible procrastinator in all she does, yet God quickly corrected my bad thoughts, and said listen. So, I did. Again, the nudging this man needed to pray for my dad. I immediately thought of how ridiculous this request was, standing in front of a man and his wife who I don't  know, requesting their prayer for my dad, which would leave me to bawl like a baby because my father is unsaved. (Stubborn man, think Nebuchadnezzar.) We have been praying for his salvation for years which is a hope I hold tightly too. And while I thought the request ridiculous, it isn't in me to disobey God. I have a history of listening just to be obedient because I get afraid of what might happen if I don't. I also, don't really mind what people think of me, especially when God says....... So, my response to the Lord was as such, Alright, God, if you really, really want me to do this, then you are going to have to put them directly in my path, and it can only be us in the hallway. I'd like to take just a second to point out that this is something highly improbable in my church as it's rather large and usually there is an immediate crowding in the hallway after service making it hard to move. Period. (Not that at the time I was challenging God, because I didn't realize how absurd my request was until later when I was sharing with my family what happened.) The end of service came, and I found myself alone in the hallway with this missionary and his wife, who turned around to smile at me. What did this chick do with that? Smiled back and walked out the door.

Immediately realizing my mistake, I called my sister and searched the church, (which by now was flooded with life), and cried my way to the car. My prayer request. A second chance. I can't tell you how foolish I felt, and I can't express either the shock from my family(who has been praying for my dad.) This truly isn't like me, and yet I guess in some way, it really is.

That was a few months ago, and every week I searched the church, waiting after service for the sanctuary to empty hoping to get my second chance. I was just believing that God would make this happen, after all it was His idea and now I didn't care how bad I was bawling, I just really wanted to be a part of His plan. Weeks came and went, and then VBS came. I was involved with VBS this year and on my final day, I saw him in the hallway talking with somebody. Odd, his children are grown, yet here he was. Available. So, I waited like a creep for a half hour about five feet away from his conversation with this other man to get a moment with him. Debating.....maybe God I should just go, or maybe this is my comeuppance for being a cowardly snot. I STAYED PUT.

Finally, I had the opportunity to speak with this man, and in his accent he explained how he knows this is of the Lord, as he was supposed to be back on the mission field weeks ago. We talked for a while, he asked questions to relate to my father, and we prayed. He wanted to get together with him and I explained that's not such a great idea as my dad tends to know everything(he really is super smart,) and he's not afraid to share it. The last thing I wanted was for him to argue over Biblical matters to a man he just met. The missionary's wife jumped in and said my husband doesn't mind a good argument. The missionary's response, It's not arguing, its just discussing. HOLD IT. Does this missionary know this has been my dad's go-to answer for ALL OF MY LIFE. No! But God did. I knew then it was cool for him to meet with my dad, and so while he was trying to find common ground and we came up short (due to my lack of knowledge), anything short of asking my dad to meet with this man just wasn't going to produce a meeting.

So, I did. Just asked him. Dad there is a really awesome missionary, and I think you'd really like him. He does his work in your country and he is just super smart, and really cool. I met him today. You can meet him too if you're interested. (Not eloquent to say the least, not even remotely unthreatening in my mind. My dad is no dummy, and he hates to feel like we are pushing ideas.) His response was , if he is as awesome as you say he is, I would love to spend some time with him. And so we set it up.

He met with the missionary and spent hours talking. And when he came home, I asked him how it went. And we discussed the missionary's family and my dad came to a point in the conversation where he was describing to me how the missionary described his wife's adoption. My dad said, he put it so beautifully, the missionary said, Just like God adopts us as sons and daughters through Jesus, this is how my wife was adopted into her family. I was choking back tears while he was saying the Word of God, and immediately started praying to be able to respond because my dad asks questions. Always. I knew it was coming. And I was blubbering quietly. In awe. Of my God. So my dad says don't you think that's a awesome way of putting it. Boldly, and loudly. YES! Where did that come from Lord? Ha! It isn't that I am afraid to share my feelings with the Lord with my dad. Not at all, he knows where I stand. It just is, that this is a long, slow road for us. He makes decisions for himself and so me and my family just have a secret covert operation going on behind his back for a time, until he comes to see Jesus the way he needs too. (Think Paul here, because I have no doubt that will be my dad when he gets saved.)

My family and I have discussed writing down the way we have seen God move in my fathers life up until this point to share with him on his day of salvation. And share what happens when we listen in obedience to him! God really has pursued my dad and there are quite a few stories we have of these glimpses of eternity in his life. It really is a super awesome thing to be a part of and I am grateful. I am excited for what God has in store for all of our futures. God Bless!