#saywhat???

As soon as I read the Say What? question, a specific time that God had asked me to do something popped into my head. HA! I knew immediately if the opportunity presented itself this week, this comical story was what I would share, however, something happened on Monday morning and I thought I would share that too.

I was getting ready to snuggle with my hubby one evening in bed. No scratch that. We were already snuggling. And truth be told, we were making out...... It was then God said to me you need to pray for your sister. And while I don't hear an audible booming voice from the Lord per se, this message was loud and clear. #SAY WHAT?!?!?!? Really Lord, how am I going to explain this? Again,  you need to pray for your sister. NOW. Ok, God, I don't suppose I really have a choice in the matter.......  Hmmmm..... AWKWARD! Honey, I'm sorry but I need to pray. Right now. For ten minutes, I prayed for my sister. Until God said I was done. And then texted her. Not really sure what's going on with you lady, but God just stopped me from a make out session with my husband to pray for you. Let me know. And she did. You see my sister was in a bad, bad, relationship at the time and my prayers were necessary at that exact moment for her. For her protection. For her peace. For her choices. I am grateful at the time that I didn't say you know Jesus, I will just pray for her later.  I didn't know then what was happening, but God did. And while I think it might be one of the most awkward moments in my walk with the Lord, one that I laugh about in timing, it has been a blessing to be a part of something like that.


Skip forward to two days ago....... I read the encouragement for today devotional Monday, and the writer had mentioned how she was afraid to attend public school after being homeschooled. You see, this next year, I will be attending school again and I have homeschooled my children for the past four years. It's something I greatly enjoy and letting go of it to put them in a public school has been a huge struggle for me the past few months. A little background regarding this decision, my husband has been on board with homeschooling half the time and not the other half. This has caused arguments, frustration and caused what I believe my children to not want to do their homework sometimes because their dad doesn't support the idea. To say the least, it's been a struggle, which is uh-noying, because it has also been one of my greatest joys.
Back to the devotional......which caused me a long discussion with the Lord. And when I say discussion, I mean a total desire to defend myself to my God. A lot of heart yelling. When I finally said, just leave me alone God. Seriously, I just need a break, I'm not talking to you right now. So, this busy brain was immediately racked with things to think on since I wasn't talking to the Lord (which I do often since I stay at home and spend time with three children), and was ready to belt out a song (which I also do regularly to maintain sanity!), and quickly realized that all I maintain in my song singing repertoire, is worship music. I'm not singing to you God. Not at all. As I struggled to divert my thoughts, and came up pitifully empty, I just cried, What do you want with me? I saw myself hunched over sobbing and Jesus with arms wide open. Yet the tips of His fingers were like feathers. (Not real feathers, just soft.) Please don't touch me, I cried. And as He moved to come forward again, I just relented. And He touched me. Tenderly. Flooding my mind with many of His promises that I wasn't even aware I knew, Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, YOU ARE MINE. I have loved you, with an everlasting love. You are the apple of my eye. And in that moment I knew.

I have become the woman who always needs to defend herself. I grew up in a home where my father was my protector. And I knew that, through him, through others, nobody messed with my dad. There wasn't a question ever in my mind who would fight for me. I knew. And I still know. But I married a man, so unlike my dad, who has chosen so many things over me, and my children. And I have taught myself to fight for me. To defend me and my children. So much so, that I am regularly on the defense. I know, not very pretty. But very real. And I had mistaken for so many years that my real defender, the great I AM, who would give men in exchange for my life, has been willing to defend me for so long if only I would step out of the way. #SAY WHAT?

Back to the homeschooling topic......Would you be willing to give me this? Oh boy. This was an area I felt the need to defend for so long. Even though I knew God was okay with it, (I had prayed long and hard about it), so many other people weren't. Including my husband (halfway), his family, and judgements from random people. I was ready to fight my decision at every turn and apparently, even willing to fight with God. But I relented, and I can't even express how that moment made me different. Different in that I don't want to be the woman always fighting, but I want to be the woman always willing to stand knowing that the battle is His. And I can't even express what a relief it was to sign up my kids for school today and not be remotely anxious about it knowing God has gone before me. God showing me His character also showed me I needed to right a wrong with a discussion I had with my brother. Do you feel like you won? was his question. I didn't feel that way at all, but after learning what I had about my backwards way of thinking, I owed him a much needed apology.

Years, of tempering myself, to a wrong idea. Irritating thought, but I am grateful. Grateful to be humbled. Grateful to have a lifted burden. And grateful for a different perspective on things.